And that's over.

All it takes is two little conversations to send me crashing into the bottom of everything from being in such a good place. I didn't even feel like I was in a particularly high or manic place, just a good, sustainable place. But it wasn't sustainable. For every good decision, moment and period of my life, I feel like there are a hundred times more bad decisions, moments and periods. I'm frustrated. Why does my coworker, who doesn't seek to glorify the Lord, get to go home to a boy and get to get promoted and get to be happy and laugh things off and drink and smoke and not have to go home alone and depressed and filled with self hatred? I don't want anything extraordinary. I just want to not have to fight off suicidal and violent feelings of self loathing. Especially not right now, when I have to go home and deal with my family and my say good bye to my best friend. And it's three in the morning, so who am I supposed to bother with this. I know that in any other time I would say "next time I'm there, I'll turn to the Lord, I'll pray, I'll read Scripture" but I just can't. I just can't do anything but wish I was someone else, somewhere else. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember the blessings that come out of these times. But not tonight.

Radical

This Sunday at my church we had a sermon about Lot's hesitation. I've been thinking a lot about why I hesitate. I've also been reading "Radical" by David Platt and I've decided to start the process of being sent abroad to an unreached people group in the next few years after some intensive training here in Austin. And my best friend is getting married and moving away this weekend. Basically, I just feel like God is doing some intense things to my heart through people, circumstances and life.

I can think back, or read back, to just a few months ago, when I felt that the idea of becoming radical was scary, or weird, or unnecessary. Now it feels imperative. By the grace of God, I desire more and more clear opportunities to act in obedience. Whether it's something simple like taking the time to listen to someone I don't necessarily want to talk to or shutting my computer and opening my Bible, or speaking out at community group about a deep struggle, I want more. I want more times to say yes. I sit at work, looking at my coworkers, wondering how to start the conversation.

And at the same time, I feel like I'm finally starting to grasp what it means that I can't do anything on my own. I'm finally realizing that the first step is humility, coming to the foot of the cross, asking Jesus to fill the emptiness. Maybe I'm just finally realizing that all this time I thought I was not doing things on my own, I really was. There wasn't humility and brokenness in my obedience. The ability to obey and love comes from an overflow of Christ's love, hope, and joy, which is awfully hard to accept through all the walls I have in my heart. I keep trying to go out without filling up, and I run out of gas really quickly. I end up looking just like the world, because I tire of fighting my flesh. I drink too much, I speak too harshly, I judge too quickly, I don't love well.

I'm just having a lot of thoughts. I want to be Radical. The Bible has been read by so many people and so many people have met Christ (not enough, but just bear with me), but so few seem to be living surrendered lives. My roommate and I were talking last night, and we both discussed our fear that we will end up complacent, that all this fervor and desire to radically surrender to God will dissipate some how and we'll find ourselves middle aged and discontent with all the things we pursued instead of God's love. We know that it's not suburbia or a husband or children or money or a house in themselves that are bad, but we just don't want that to be it. What's that song? We were meant to live for so much more. I just want to taste that! I want to be living for more.

Sometimes songs say it better

And I know this: Whatever happens next is in Your hands, in Your plans, nothing less. Every day there is a choice, and through the joy, through the pain, I will rejoice. I am Yours, do what You wish. I am Yours, I am Yours, and I know this.

Save me 'cause I need it, and I can't help but feel desperate. My desires, they seem were coming to their endings, but I will trust it's not the end but a great beginning.

Light, The Rocket Summer.

Self talk

Today marks the first day I left therapy more confused and frustrated than I went in. But it also marks the day I first openly talked about some huge terrible painful things.

I really feel like my therapist is too nice to me sometimes. I feel like her message is that things aren't my fault and I have to give myself more grace, but I know that things are my fault, and I don't deserve anymore grace, not from myself. No one deserves it from God, but that's not an optional thing. She doesn't let me call ridiculous things I feel ridiculous, she doesn't let me take the fall for situations I really feel I caused. And maybe she knows better than I do, but it makes me not trust her, to some degree.

I just don't trust anyone. I never think people are telling the truth, or being themselves. I'm insanely cynical of people. But it's all internal. Sometimes it comes out in the way I treat someone that seems particularly fake. But how the hell should I be allowed to say who is a fake and who isn't?

I guess I'm angry, and sad, and frustrated, and that's why I'm taking such a negative tone. I realized this week that I don't trust God, to some degree. I can say and read and think and discuss until I'm deaf, mute and blind that God's way is higher and better for me in the end, but I don't believe it. I'm angry that I feel so alone and isolated from everyone else, and even from my own self. I don't feel whole, I don't feel a part of things, I don't feel desirable or lovable or any of those things. I just feel like it's unfair. It's unfair that I'm expected to trust God to fulfill all these unmet needs that he gave me in the first place. He created me, He knows me, and He knew how hard this was going to be, and let it be anyway. I know I'm wrong. I know there are plenty of other needs He does meet in my life, and like I said, I know His ways are above mine. I believe that about external situations, but I'm having a hell of a time believing it about how miserable, lonely, depressed and self loathing I feel right now.

I'm sorry that I don't trust you, Lord. I'm sorry that I value my own satisfaction over your glory, because apparently, for some reason, my lack of satisfaction right now will ultimately lead to your glory. But I just want a glimpse of hope, peace, joy, understanding, love, and maybe one day some contentment. And honestly, I don't want to be alone. I know this life is a vapor, but to the mind you gave me to think with, it seems like one awfully long vapor to spend by myself.

It's been two months.

I just have too many thoughts. I feel like I'm too introspective, too thoughtful about things that don't affect other people. I'm constantly trying to figure everything out instead of just living a life of love and compassion. And I'm also frustrated. I thought I had a lot of things figured out. I thought I was doing pretty good as a person, and that my large group of friends was proof of that.

Lately, it's been brought to my attention that I love people very conditionally. Maybe this is something I should have noticed before, but I didn't, and now I feel wretched. I think this is our natural way - we're always told "You can't get along with everyone." Which is true. But also, that doesn't mean you are excused from loving them.

I keep coming back to God's grace. It is for everyone, not just the people that are nice to and praise him constantly. I get God's grace when I sin, and when I worship. And Christ's sacrifice! Our Jesus gave all - of - him - self (which is a heck of a lot more than what I have to offer) for people that didn't even bother to come to his crucifixion.

So when I look at a person in my life that I "just don't get along with" I have to wonder - is that because there is some part of me I'm not willing to sacrifice to love them? For me, this is often a trust issue. I don't trust people's intentions and I'm very unforgiving when it comes to people lying to me. Why is that? I guess I think I deserve the truth. I think it's against me that they are sinning, when really, if they are lying or being fake or deceptive in any way, there is probably a deeper issue there that would be better solved through love, patience, compassion and conversation than it would be through me snubbing them.

This doesn't feel like fully developed thought, but it's all I have for now. I'm trying to love better and less selectively. I think in turn this will help me with my constant desire to be loved "most" in a group or by a person. Anyway, on a related note, I read this incredible blog post, which also had incredible responses, yesterday that really made me think about this whole love and forgiveness issue. There is more to say. There is always more to say!

blessed

I used to get really offended when I told people I was sad and they found it necessary to point out the "real" suffering in the world. Actually, I would still probably find this offensive, or just insensitive. But today I feel like it's been a blessing to spend some time knowing that there is a lot of real, hard, physical suffering in the world.

It made me think about how hard it is to know that God is in control of all of that. The next thing I think about is the truth that I know from my own life. When things look bleak, when I'm depressed and full of shame and sinfulness, it is because we humans are sinful and our sin caused this world to be broken. Additionally, God doesn't call us to sit there and get mad and yell at him about it. We might do that for a while, but eventually we have to get proactive. God gives us tools. He gives us the strength to use those tools. People have to start orphanages and adopt children and raise money and build homes. I had to see a therapist and a psychiatrist and force myself out of bed and keep a journal.

I don't really know if these thoughts are making sense. I just feel somewhat good today, and I'm happy. I think it's a mixture of an improved perspective, some lifestyle changes, prayer, antidepressants, and the people God has given me that love me well. I'm learning, finally, I think, that my identity doesn't lie in anything but Christ, and in Christ, I am clean and righteous and can do good things. I've learned this for a long time, but it's sticking better.

Teetering

I can feel it coming, a wave of depression. All I can think to do is complain. I am grateful for many things right now, I want to remember that before I complain. I am grateful for my new home, my new roommates, my new life lessons from God, my old friends, my job, my salvation, God's grace, and God's love. I think my circumstances are overwhelming me, and I'm not exactly fighting it. I want to get sad, because I feel more ______ when I am. I don't know the right word for that blank.

Options:
1. real
2. alive
3. important
4. aware
5. all of the above

My family is crazy. My mom is freaking me out. I don't trust any of the members of my family, and I don't feel like I am a part of my family, and I don't necessarily feel a grand desire to be either. There, I said it. I just can't handle how difficult it is to have any kind of conversation with any of them.

I got this dog and it's so much work and I don't know why I imposed such an overwhelming responsibility on myself. Anyone can tell you. I don't really like dogs. Maybe I was trying to do something selfless, or maybe I was trying to impress someone (not sure who), or maybe I was trying to be normal. Normal adults get dogs all the time. I think the dog thing is what is really getting me down. Which seems crazy.

Oh there is also the normal, constant issue in my life, which changes names but is never positive, and that is my relationships with members of the opposite sex. And I keep getting stressed out about theology. Am I a seven day creationist? Am I a middle roader? Am I going to hell if I don't believe in the inerrancy of Scripture in all matters, even those not spiritual? I like to think that my love for Jesus, my experience of God, my understanding of the need for Jesus' death, and my desire to know more and live more like Christ every day, though I fail constantly, is enough, and these quibbles can be discussed (I love theological debate) but they don't determine my righteousness. But maybe I'm wrong?

I have been reading this week (on my smartphone) the Psalms, because I am always reading the Psalms, and I read a few verses recently emphasizing waiting on God. I need to learn this lesson. I am quick to seek satisfaction in life for all these needs I think I must meet right then and there. If I could just wait on God. I wouldn't keep falling in these holes.