And that's over.

All it takes is two little conversations to send me crashing into the bottom of everything from being in such a good place. I didn't even feel like I was in a particularly high or manic place, just a good, sustainable place. But it wasn't sustainable. For every good decision, moment and period of my life, I feel like there are a hundred times more bad decisions, moments and periods. I'm frustrated. Why does my coworker, who doesn't seek to glorify the Lord, get to go home to a boy and get to get promoted and get to be happy and laugh things off and drink and smoke and not have to go home alone and depressed and filled with self hatred? I don't want anything extraordinary. I just want to not have to fight off suicidal and violent feelings of self loathing. Especially not right now, when I have to go home and deal with my family and my say good bye to my best friend. And it's three in the morning, so who am I supposed to bother with this. I know that in any other time I would say "next time I'm there, I'll turn to the Lord, I'll pray, I'll read Scripture" but I just can't. I just can't do anything but wish I was someone else, somewhere else. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember the blessings that come out of these times. But not tonight.

Radical

This Sunday at my church we had a sermon about Lot's hesitation. I've been thinking a lot about why I hesitate. I've also been reading "Radical" by David Platt and I've decided to start the process of being sent abroad to an unreached people group in the next few years after some intensive training here in Austin. And my best friend is getting married and moving away this weekend. Basically, I just feel like God is doing some intense things to my heart through people, circumstances and life.

I can think back, or read back, to just a few months ago, when I felt that the idea of becoming radical was scary, or weird, or unnecessary. Now it feels imperative. By the grace of God, I desire more and more clear opportunities to act in obedience. Whether it's something simple like taking the time to listen to someone I don't necessarily want to talk to or shutting my computer and opening my Bible, or speaking out at community group about a deep struggle, I want more. I want more times to say yes. I sit at work, looking at my coworkers, wondering how to start the conversation.

And at the same time, I feel like I'm finally starting to grasp what it means that I can't do anything on my own. I'm finally realizing that the first step is humility, coming to the foot of the cross, asking Jesus to fill the emptiness. Maybe I'm just finally realizing that all this time I thought I was not doing things on my own, I really was. There wasn't humility and brokenness in my obedience. The ability to obey and love comes from an overflow of Christ's love, hope, and joy, which is awfully hard to accept through all the walls I have in my heart. I keep trying to go out without filling up, and I run out of gas really quickly. I end up looking just like the world, because I tire of fighting my flesh. I drink too much, I speak too harshly, I judge too quickly, I don't love well.

I'm just having a lot of thoughts. I want to be Radical. The Bible has been read by so many people and so many people have met Christ (not enough, but just bear with me), but so few seem to be living surrendered lives. My roommate and I were talking last night, and we both discussed our fear that we will end up complacent, that all this fervor and desire to radically surrender to God will dissipate some how and we'll find ourselves middle aged and discontent with all the things we pursued instead of God's love. We know that it's not suburbia or a husband or children or money or a house in themselves that are bad, but we just don't want that to be it. What's that song? We were meant to live for so much more. I just want to taste that! I want to be living for more.

Sometimes songs say it better

And I know this: Whatever happens next is in Your hands, in Your plans, nothing less. Every day there is a choice, and through the joy, through the pain, I will rejoice. I am Yours, do what You wish. I am Yours, I am Yours, and I know this.

Save me 'cause I need it, and I can't help but feel desperate. My desires, they seem were coming to their endings, but I will trust it's not the end but a great beginning.

Light, The Rocket Summer.