Thursday, October 28, 2010

Self talk

Today marks the first day I left therapy more confused and frustrated than I went in. But it also marks the day I first openly talked about some huge terrible painful things.

I really feel like my therapist is too nice to me sometimes. I feel like her message is that things aren't my fault and I have to give myself more grace, but I know that things are my fault, and I don't deserve anymore grace, not from myself. No one deserves it from God, but that's not an optional thing. She doesn't let me call ridiculous things I feel ridiculous, she doesn't let me take the fall for situations I really feel I caused. And maybe she knows better than I do, but it makes me not trust her, to some degree.

I just don't trust anyone. I never think people are telling the truth, or being themselves. I'm insanely cynical of people. But it's all internal. Sometimes it comes out in the way I treat someone that seems particularly fake. But how the hell should I be allowed to say who is a fake and who isn't?

I guess I'm angry, and sad, and frustrated, and that's why I'm taking such a negative tone. I realized this week that I don't trust God, to some degree. I can say and read and think and discuss until I'm deaf, mute and blind that God's way is higher and better for me in the end, but I don't believe it. I'm angry that I feel so alone and isolated from everyone else, and even from my own self. I don't feel whole, I don't feel a part of things, I don't feel desirable or lovable or any of those things. I just feel like it's unfair. It's unfair that I'm expected to trust God to fulfill all these unmet needs that he gave me in the first place. He created me, He knows me, and He knew how hard this was going to be, and let it be anyway. I know I'm wrong. I know there are plenty of other needs He does meet in my life, and like I said, I know His ways are above mine. I believe that about external situations, but I'm having a hell of a time believing it about how miserable, lonely, depressed and self loathing I feel right now.

I'm sorry that I don't trust you, Lord. I'm sorry that I value my own satisfaction over your glory, because apparently, for some reason, my lack of satisfaction right now will ultimately lead to your glory. But I just want a glimpse of hope, peace, joy, understanding, love, and maybe one day some contentment. And honestly, I don't want to be alone. I know this life is a vapor, but to the mind you gave me to think with, it seems like one awfully long vapor to spend by myself.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

It's been two months.

I just have too many thoughts. I feel like I'm too introspective, too thoughtful about things that don't affect other people. I'm constantly trying to figure everything out instead of just living a life of love and compassion. And I'm also frustrated. I thought I had a lot of things figured out. I thought I was doing pretty good as a person, and that my large group of friends was proof of that.

Lately, it's been brought to my attention that I love people very conditionally. Maybe this is something I should have noticed before, but I didn't, and now I feel wretched. I think this is our natural way - we're always told "You can't get along with everyone." Which is true. But also, that doesn't mean you are excused from loving them.

I keep coming back to God's grace. It is for everyone, not just the people that are nice to and praise him constantly. I get God's grace when I sin, and when I worship. And Christ's sacrifice! Our Jesus gave all - of - him - self (which is a heck of a lot more than what I have to offer) for people that didn't even bother to come to his crucifixion.

So when I look at a person in my life that I "just don't get along with" I have to wonder - is that because there is some part of me I'm not willing to sacrifice to love them? For me, this is often a trust issue. I don't trust people's intentions and I'm very unforgiving when it comes to people lying to me. Why is that? I guess I think I deserve the truth. I think it's against me that they are sinning, when really, if they are lying or being fake or deceptive in any way, there is probably a deeper issue there that would be better solved through love, patience, compassion and conversation than it would be through me snubbing them.

This doesn't feel like fully developed thought, but it's all I have for now. I'm trying to love better and less selectively. I think in turn this will help me with my constant desire to be loved "most" in a group or by a person. Anyway, on a related note, I read this incredible blog post, which also had incredible responses, yesterday that really made me think about this whole love and forgiveness issue. There is more to say. There is always more to say!