Thursday, November 11, 2010

And that's over.

All it takes is two little conversations to send me crashing into the bottom of everything from being in such a good place. I didn't even feel like I was in a particularly high or manic place, just a good, sustainable place. But it wasn't sustainable. For every good decision, moment and period of my life, I feel like there are a hundred times more bad decisions, moments and periods. I'm frustrated. Why does my coworker, who doesn't seek to glorify the Lord, get to go home to a boy and get to get promoted and get to be happy and laugh things off and drink and smoke and not have to go home alone and depressed and filled with self hatred? I don't want anything extraordinary. I just want to not have to fight off suicidal and violent feelings of self loathing. Especially not right now, when I have to go home and deal with my family and my say good bye to my best friend. And it's three in the morning, so who am I supposed to bother with this. I know that in any other time I would say "next time I'm there, I'll turn to the Lord, I'll pray, I'll read Scripture" but I just can't. I just can't do anything but wish I was someone else, somewhere else. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember the blessings that come out of these times. But not tonight.

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