Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Feeling blessed

I went to the therapist again yesterday, and the psychiatrist today. Maybe I'm crazy to think this, but I took the first dose of the anti depressant prescribed to me and I feel better. I know it doesn't work that fast. But maybe it does. Or maybe it's triggering mania, and I have to go down that road again. Either way, it was truly a blessing this evening.

An old friend came to me in that way that only old friends can after not being close for a while. She came to me for advice. She has always been my go-to girl when I'm extremely down and she listens and advises, and when she has come to me in the past, I have always felt inadequate and unhelpful.

But tonight, she was going through a lot of the same feelings I've been going through. And I was ready! I was reading with God-centered, edifying advice. Advice that I couldn't have offered, though of, or known, if the Lord hadn't chosen to teach it to me through my depression and counseling.

So maybe this is a false, medication induced high. But maybe, definitely, God is working in that.

Friday, June 25, 2010


I think every Friday I'll have a list. Firstly, because I love lists. Secondly, because it will make my blogging more consistent. Today's list will respond to last Friday's list.

Successes I had this week:
1. I went to the gym twice. Once for a class and once for cardio.
2. I responded to my friends and family that texted, called and e-mailed me this week. I spent quality time with a few close friends instead of spending quality time in bed.
3. I e-mailed about joining a Bible study group at my church.
4. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and my therapist both for next week.
5. I cooked healthy foods and ate them.

I'm having this internal battle. I want to be able to say I am okay, I am perfectly fine, I can wake up tomorrow with no depression, no need for therapy or medicine, I can live a normal life tomorrow. Because the other option feels like sinking into depression and succumbing to it. How can I get on a healing path? How can I allow myself to start healing instead of trying to jump to the other side or anchor myself under this cloud? Especially when the cloud feels more comforting and stable than a healed life.

I have a seemingly good weekend planned. It involves a lot of socializing. My prayer right now is that I can enjoy the people God has put in my life and let them love and bless me instead of getting anxious, paranoid and retreating.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Semblance of normalcy

This past week has been pretty low. However, after a bit of an emotional collapse on Tuesday, I feel like I have been on the upswing. In fact, today, right now, texting a friend and laughing at a YouTube video, I feel like I'm in a normal, healthy place. Tuesday, I went to the summer program I'm volunteering for in the morning. I got anxious and stressed out by the other volunteers. I determined that they thought I was a terrible volunteer and teacher. I can't say I have a lot of rational basis for this thought.

In fact, often, when I talk to friends about these paranoias I get (this person doesn't like me, this person thinks I'm stupid, etc.) the smart ones will ask me why I feel this way. And usually, my answer is that I can't explain it. I like to attribute this to my deep intuition of people's true feelings for me and others, but I think it's healthier and more healing to realize I'm wrong. I'm not always wrong, there are people who don't like me and I can be an idiot sometimes, but I don't need to get anxious about it. Because even if a person thinks I suck or I'm stupid, even if these things are true sometimes, this is not truth.

The truth is we're all broken and God loved us enough to cover us with the blood of Jesus. We're all idiots sometimes. I might feel like a freak because I have uncontrollable crying fits and seriously consider suicide all the time, but that doesn't make me worth less than someone who doesn't. I saw a homeless man with a cheesy sign today that said "God don't make junk." It's true. It isn't within God's nature to make mistakes. Our God is perfect, infinite, wholly other. This world is broken and it breaks us down because we take our eyes off of Him and Eternity and Truth. But in Him, I know I'll find healing, as I slowly remember more and more each day that I am covered.

On that note, I haven't exactly been seeking it. I've been talking up a really good game for God with some friends that I've gotten real with lately... but I haven't opened my Bible or said a real prayer in more than a week. I feel still connected to Him, because He keeps reminding me He's there, but I feel like that mean friend in the one-sided friendship. So hopefully, next time I write, this will be different.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Making lists

I have the desire to better myself in the ways I know I need to, namely:
1. Exercising
2. Dieting
3. Reading Scripture
4. Praying
5. Building a support structure/community
6. Read and/or write anything constructive
7. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist

But instead I:
1. Lay around in bed
2. Bake and eat cake
3. Watch TV online
4. Don't answer my phone

I don't want to do anything that takes work, I guess. I am lethargic and apathetic. I don't even want to chat with people online any more. I don't want to update my blog. I know that something is wrong because I typically always answer my phone, always answer texts and prefer to leave my home to do work or talk to people. I usually like to get things done. But right now, I want to lay around, and it's making me sink further into this.

I know that I can get better. I know that God loves me. I know that depression is real, and does not mean I am worth less than another person. I know that I can have victory. But I just want to lay in bed.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I am starting this blog as I begin to seek professional help and guidance from a Christian counselor for the depression I have struggled with to varying degrees throughout my life.

Most recently, when it escalated to the point of frequent suicidal thoughts, I became scared and sought out a professional therapist that attends the same church as I do.

I want to explore what it means to be saved by grace through Christ and believe in all the joyful promises of God while struggling with an overwhelming darkness. I want someone who is scouring the internet for help, for a reason to press onward, out of desperation and fear to find that they aren't the only one. I want to be able to look back at my progress and how the Lord uses depression in my life.

This blog is titled after a phrase my therapist used that really helped me shift the way I looked at myself and my struggle. Blessed by depression.