Thursday, October 28, 2010

Self talk

Today marks the first day I left therapy more confused and frustrated than I went in. But it also marks the day I first openly talked about some huge terrible painful things.

I really feel like my therapist is too nice to me sometimes. I feel like her message is that things aren't my fault and I have to give myself more grace, but I know that things are my fault, and I don't deserve anymore grace, not from myself. No one deserves it from God, but that's not an optional thing. She doesn't let me call ridiculous things I feel ridiculous, she doesn't let me take the fall for situations I really feel I caused. And maybe she knows better than I do, but it makes me not trust her, to some degree.

I just don't trust anyone. I never think people are telling the truth, or being themselves. I'm insanely cynical of people. But it's all internal. Sometimes it comes out in the way I treat someone that seems particularly fake. But how the hell should I be allowed to say who is a fake and who isn't?

I guess I'm angry, and sad, and frustrated, and that's why I'm taking such a negative tone. I realized this week that I don't trust God, to some degree. I can say and read and think and discuss until I'm deaf, mute and blind that God's way is higher and better for me in the end, but I don't believe it. I'm angry that I feel so alone and isolated from everyone else, and even from my own self. I don't feel whole, I don't feel a part of things, I don't feel desirable or lovable or any of those things. I just feel like it's unfair. It's unfair that I'm expected to trust God to fulfill all these unmet needs that he gave me in the first place. He created me, He knows me, and He knew how hard this was going to be, and let it be anyway. I know I'm wrong. I know there are plenty of other needs He does meet in my life, and like I said, I know His ways are above mine. I believe that about external situations, but I'm having a hell of a time believing it about how miserable, lonely, depressed and self loathing I feel right now.

I'm sorry that I don't trust you, Lord. I'm sorry that I value my own satisfaction over your glory, because apparently, for some reason, my lack of satisfaction right now will ultimately lead to your glory. But I just want a glimpse of hope, peace, joy, understanding, love, and maybe one day some contentment. And honestly, I don't want to be alone. I know this life is a vapor, but to the mind you gave me to think with, it seems like one awfully long vapor to spend by myself.

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