I just have too many thoughts. I feel like I'm too introspective, too thoughtful about things that don't affect other people. I'm constantly trying to figure everything out instead of just living a life of love and compassion. And I'm also frustrated. I thought I had a lot of things figured out. I thought I was doing pretty good as a person, and that my large group of friends was proof of that.
Lately, it's been brought to my attention that I love people very conditionally. Maybe this is something I should have noticed before, but I didn't, and now I feel wretched. I think this is our natural way - we're always told "You can't get along with everyone." Which is true. But also, that doesn't mean you are excused from loving them.
I keep coming back to God's grace. It is for everyone, not just the people that are nice to and praise him constantly. I get God's grace when I sin, and when I worship. And Christ's sacrifice! Our Jesus gave all - of - him - self (which is a heck of a lot more than what I have to offer) for people that didn't even bother to come to his crucifixion.
So when I look at a person in my life that I "just don't get along with" I have to wonder - is that because there is some part of me I'm not willing to sacrifice to love them? For me, this is often a trust issue. I don't trust people's intentions and I'm very unforgiving when it comes to people lying to me. Why is that? I guess I think I deserve the truth. I think it's against me that they are sinning, when really, if they are lying or being fake or deceptive in any way, there is probably a deeper issue there that would be better solved through love, patience, compassion and conversation than it would be through me snubbing them.
This doesn't feel like fully developed thought, but it's all I have for now. I'm trying to love better and less selectively. I think in turn this will help me with my constant desire to be loved "most" in a group or by a person. Anyway, on a related note, I read this incredible blog post, which also had incredible responses, yesterday that really made me think about this whole love and forgiveness issue. There is more to say. There is always more to say!