Friday, August 13, 2010


I can feel it coming, a wave of depression. All I can think to do is complain. I am grateful for many things right now, I want to remember that before I complain. I am grateful for my new home, my new roommates, my new life lessons from God, my old friends, my job, my salvation, God's grace, and God's love. I think my circumstances are overwhelming me, and I'm not exactly fighting it. I want to get sad, because I feel more ______ when I am. I don't know the right word for that blank.

1. real
2. alive
3. important
4. aware
5. all of the above

My family is crazy. My mom is freaking me out. I don't trust any of the members of my family, and I don't feel like I am a part of my family, and I don't necessarily feel a grand desire to be either. There, I said it. I just can't handle how difficult it is to have any kind of conversation with any of them.

I got this dog and it's so much work and I don't know why I imposed such an overwhelming responsibility on myself. Anyone can tell you. I don't really like dogs. Maybe I was trying to do something selfless, or maybe I was trying to impress someone (not sure who), or maybe I was trying to be normal. Normal adults get dogs all the time. I think the dog thing is what is really getting me down. Which seems crazy.

Oh there is also the normal, constant issue in my life, which changes names but is never positive, and that is my relationships with members of the opposite sex. And I keep getting stressed out about theology. Am I a seven day creationist? Am I a middle roader? Am I going to hell if I don't believe in the inerrancy of Scripture in all matters, even those not spiritual? I like to think that my love for Jesus, my experience of God, my understanding of the need for Jesus' death, and my desire to know more and live more like Christ every day, though I fail constantly, is enough, and these quibbles can be discussed (I love theological debate) but they don't determine my righteousness. But maybe I'm wrong?

I have been reading this week (on my smartphone) the Psalms, because I am always reading the Psalms, and I read a few verses recently emphasizing waiting on God. I need to learn this lesson. I am quick to seek satisfaction in life for all these needs I think I must meet right then and there. If I could just wait on God. I wouldn't keep falling in these holes.

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