Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Wretched sinner

I had a big, fat flop yesterday. One of those times where you stare sin in the face, call it sin, and then open the door and offer it milk and cookies. I knew while it was happening that I would regret it, that I would be burdened with guilt and anxiety. But I ran right into it. God opened some doors for me to step out of it, but I shut them in His face.

How do I accept God's forgiveness as well as the gravity of my mistake? How do I not dwell on it to the point that it creates a rift between me and God, but also not flippantly stamp forgiven on it and toss in the wastebasket?

Maybe it's best to get to the root of it, then commit to praying that God help me believe and know that He fills that need, that He satisfies fully, that He loves me, delights in me, and truly wants the best for me.

I need to stop hating myself. I keep saying this, over and over and over, but then someone hurts my feelings and it all comes rushing back and I feel worthless, pitiable, alone, and vulnerable. Last night, instead of truly turning to the Lord with that feeling, asking him to remind me where my worth comes from, which would have been so simple, so satisfying, so beautiful, I took the world's advice.

Here's the rub. I did feel better. The relief was instant. The world's answer brought me some joy. I know in the end it will fail me. I know it's not God's will for my life, so it cannot be the best. Lord Jesus, I believe, but help my unbelief.

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