Thursday, June 24, 2010

Semblance of normalcy

This past week has been pretty low. However, after a bit of an emotional collapse on Tuesday, I feel like I have been on the upswing. In fact, today, right now, texting a friend and laughing at a YouTube video, I feel like I'm in a normal, healthy place. Tuesday, I went to the summer program I'm volunteering for in the morning. I got anxious and stressed out by the other volunteers. I determined that they thought I was a terrible volunteer and teacher. I can't say I have a lot of rational basis for this thought.

In fact, often, when I talk to friends about these paranoias I get (this person doesn't like me, this person thinks I'm stupid, etc.) the smart ones will ask me why I feel this way. And usually, my answer is that I can't explain it. I like to attribute this to my deep intuition of people's true feelings for me and others, but I think it's healthier and more healing to realize I'm wrong. I'm not always wrong, there are people who don't like me and I can be an idiot sometimes, but I don't need to get anxious about it. Because even if a person thinks I suck or I'm stupid, even if these things are true sometimes, this is not truth.

The truth is we're all broken and God loved us enough to cover us with the blood of Jesus. We're all idiots sometimes. I might feel like a freak because I have uncontrollable crying fits and seriously consider suicide all the time, but that doesn't make me worth less than someone who doesn't. I saw a homeless man with a cheesy sign today that said "God don't make junk." It's true. It isn't within God's nature to make mistakes. Our God is perfect, infinite, wholly other. This world is broken and it breaks us down because we take our eyes off of Him and Eternity and Truth. But in Him, I know I'll find healing, as I slowly remember more and more each day that I am covered.

On that note, I haven't exactly been seeking it. I've been talking up a really good game for God with some friends that I've gotten real with lately... but I haven't opened my Bible or said a real prayer in more than a week. I feel still connected to Him, because He keeps reminding me He's there, but I feel like that mean friend in the one-sided friendship. So hopefully, next time I write, this will be different.

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