I believe our expectations can be self-fulfilling prophecies, to some extent. However, this belief did not stop me from expecting this week would suck, nor did it stop this week from sucking. I went to a funeral, one of my best friends, which happens to be one of my most difficult relationships at the same time, moved away, and I'm packing and moving, which is just stressful.
But I am thankful for some things. You know when you have a minor injury and you keep checking to see if it still hurts, like poking a bruise? I've been doing that, thinking to myself, do I think my life is worth continuing today, or would I prefer it be over? It feels crazy to say I have ask myself that but it's been nice to answer with the former.
A large part of this change has been resting in the fact that God loves me no matter what. This is a concept I've heard about my whole life, but never understood the importance of until lately. It seems so simple. It seems simple to say "My identity and worth do not come from others but from Christ in me." But it is an entirely different thing to realize it is TRUE and live out of that truth. This week when I obeyed the Lord, I saw the worth that my life has, that I can be His hands and feet and exemplify His love.
I'm so thankful today. I am thankful that God's grace has kept me alive, I am thankful that He gives me opportunities to love my friends in meaningful ways, I am thankful that He enables me to allow friends to love me back.
But I'm also scared. I'm moving in with some girls soon, and I have really good feelings about it, but the nagging insecurities about whether I am lovable, or even likable, won't go away. I want them to like me and be glad I am their roommate and I need to pray that God help me stop myself from making their approval an idol in my mind.
It feels good to process these things.