Disassociating

There's this huge, enormous comfort in knowing that you're not the only one who feels or has ever felt a certain way. I think it's because deep down we greatly fear that we are alone, that we will end up alone, and that's because we aren't properly getting that need met in Christ. I don't know how to fix that. But I do know that I felt so much better today when I finally said to my therapist "Ninety percent of the time I feel completely detached from my life. I have these jarring moments of self-realization when I think 'Oh, this is my life I've been living all day. That's me in the mirror.'" I've never been very good at explaining this feeling to others. But because she's a therapist she knew what questions to ask and how to figure me out.

She said that we call this disassociation. Being the avid googler that I am you think I would have tried that term. But the thing is, I didn't know if it was really that out of the ordinary. Lately, though, I've felt like it's getting in the way of my life. I feel like I needed to ask her about it.Anyway, I did google it when I got home, and I read the Wikipedia page (alright, sure, it's just Wikipedia, but still) and I was just comforted that maybe there is a name for this thing I keep feeling.

I know some people hate labels and it makes healing more difficult, but for me, it helps. I feel a lack of personal identity, and a great difficulty finding that in Christ. I fight in worship to feel present. I connect most with God when I'm singing and dancing and clapping for Him because I'm engaging my senses and I have to be present in that moment. I don't feel Him as much when I read scripture or pray because my words feel fake, unless I'm in great distress.

The scary thing was when she started to say that this is usually in regards to childhood trauma. However, because I feel like I've always disassociated, and we remember things we associate with strong emotions, I don't remember my childhood. I hardly remember anything. People will tell me things that happened in the past and I will believe them and that's where my memories come from. This is scary because she wants me to pray about starting to remember things. And to focus on trying to be present in moments. And when I do disassociate, if I notice, try to figure out why.

So maybe my whole life problems are just this one coping mechanism. It's made sense of some particular sins I struggle with, and my bad memory. I think the trauma, which doesn't have to be super intense to cause such a thing, is growing up in a household with lots of anger, fighting, screaming, etc. I didn't feel safe there. I was always scared. No one physically hurt me (that I remember or have been told) but I was never emotionally comfortable. I've known that for a long time. It makes me sad because I know my parents just did what they could and have tried their best.

It also makes me sad because I feel at fault for so much. I'm realizing more and more than I have a terrible view of myself. I always assume I did wrong, even without negative feedback. I think I internalized consistent negative feedback and have made this my gut reaction, so that I can't be criticized before I criticize myself.

I'm scared to take this journey. I'm scared to remember things, I'm scared to potentially feel things without detaching mentally. I'm scared to love myself, really. But I know the Lord has brought me to this place to lean on Him and know Him and His love better so that I can really love others and spread His Gospel better. I know that. I don't feel that but I'm just going to keep reminding myself. With Scripture, with Prayer and with Worship and David Crowder's help.

Your love is relentless
And I'm glad for it, I'm glad for it
Your love is relentless
I am glad
Your love is relentless
And if not for it, if not for it
I'd perish for sure
If not for it
Savior for the faithful
We're in the hands of God
Love has come
And we are safe
Hope has come
And we are safe
We're in the hands of God.

I don't even feel like I wrote this. But I KNOW I did. Please Lord, take this confusion away.