So, now I'm obsessed with reading online about dissociation. Interestingly, it's really typical in everyone. Like anxiety or depression, those who study it think everyone experiences it at times to certain degrees, but that it can be extreme and problematic in some lives. Everything I read just makes sense of my life. Not just the terrible memory that I mentioned in my other post, but also my other diagnoses, my self-criticism and overall uncomfortableness with myself, etc.
I'm also trying to read through my old LiveJournals (geez, was I candid as a 15 year old) to remember things. It's not pleasant. I've always felt the way I do now about myself, I'm realizing it, but at some point I began to internalize it.
This morning was terrible. I got to work feeling miserable. I felt like I'd offended numerous people and acted terribly. I have to stop analyzing every social interaction and conversation when I walk away from them. I have to stop replaying situations and determining how I could have acted better.
My mom triggered me this morning, with her typical guilt trip and accusatory statements. I'm trying to set boundaries, and I'm incredibly frustrated that she isn't making an effort to treat me carefully, because she knows what is going on. That just made me grumpy and then I started checking out of this gathering I was at. There was a talkative guy there so I let him talk and talk and talk, and some part of me appropriately nodded at times.
I don't know. I'm so down today, but it's better than recent days because I keep feeling this nudging that says "This isn't it. I'm here and I'm healing you. One day at a time." And that's nice.
He asked life of You,
You gave it to him,
Length of days forever and ever.
Psalm 21:4
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