Sadness

I'm sad right now. I'm sad because I've been feeling happy. This is nonsense, I know. I wrote that post yesterday about something I was really thinking about. I was really thinking about theology, and wanting to know more, and not just thinking about my depression.

But today, I feel like the medicine is working, I feel like I'm doing good things every day, I know everything looks right. I'm sleeping, I'm serving, I'm exercising, I'm eating well. But I can't shake the feeling that I should be doing more, which makes me want to remain in my depression, which makes me sad.

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
Ephesians 2:8-10

Not by works, not by works, I know it's not by works. I know that I can't DO anything, I can't add to God's grace. I know that. I just cannot live it. I cannot make a connection between my head and my heart. I cannot shake the feeling that pervades my relationship with God and my relationship with every person I know that it is what I do that gives me my value. I just want to do everything. I want to be smarter so people will think I'm smart. I want to be nicer so that people will be drawn to me and say nice things about me. I want to be funnier, prettier, more talented, happier, more normal for the same reasons.

And I know that all of these things are empty, will fail me, will not satisfy, will not fill me up. But I keep chasing. I'm running the wrong race. But my flesh won't let me go.